Silly Phillies fans shouldn't be allowed to buy jerseys

Wow, this Phillies fan has all sorts of issues.

Paul Lukas’ Uniwatch blog is required reading for a jersey fanatic like me.

On Thursday he posted a photo showing the folly of Phillies fans.

The intended target of the shot, I suppose, is the goofball wearing the jersey with "Mets Suck" where the player name and number is supposed to be.

So let’s start with him.

First, he’s wrong. The Mets don’t suck. They’re winning about as many games as they lose, so that makes them merely mediocre. The Nationals suck.

And if there is any fan who should know about sucking, it would be a Phillies fan, considering the franchise as recorded more losses than any other in baseball history. Yes, they’ve lost more than the Cubs.

So our Phillie fan is either incapable of reading the standings, can’t spell mediocre or was trying to save on lettering by using the shorter word.

Second, he’s spending a fair amount of money to be incorrect. That’s a replica jersey — you can tell by the lack of the MLB logo on the collar. A personalized replica goes for $89.99 on the MLB Web site. An authentic would cost him about $200.

Either way, that’s a lot of cash to drop on a taunt that loses its effectiveness once you step off an elementary school playground.

But why stop with the jersey? It appears our Phillies fan with more cash than smarts is carrying two water bottles into the stadium, one of which is nearly empty.

I’ve been to Cit-Bank Park, and I know for a fact there are water fountains and sinks that freely dispense water. Everyone knows that you can bring one water bottle inside, and refill it over and over rather than carrying two bottles. Dude, it’s all tap water.

And it’s not like he’s carrying a bottle for a friend. Because if you’re wearing a jersey like that, you have no friends.

There are actually all kinds of jersey horrors in there, which you would expect from Phillies fans. Take the women walking next to our hydrated fan.

She’s wearing a Chase Utley jersey. It’s a cheesy replica, which is bad enough. But it’s got the wrong style lettering and numbers. The Phillies have a distinctive font, and that’s not it.

If you’re going to spend that much money, why not get it right?

I know these things are expensive. But you can find bargains if you look and are patient. I got an authentic Johan Santana home alt with proper lettering and even the Shea Farewell patch for about $25 on eBay.

See the guy walking ahead of the goofball in the Ryan Howard jersey? Same sin, but with the alternative retro jersey. Only he’s stepped into a whole new area of shame by wearing the wrong cap. People, is it so hard to be coordinated?

Right next to him is a Red Sox fan — the Phils were playing Boston when this was taken — and he’s got issues, too.

The green cap is bad enough. I can’t see the number, but I know it’s a Red Sox jersey because of the red piping along the collar.

Drop down from there, and what do we see? As Suzyn Waldman would shriek. "OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!" That’s a player name. The Red Sox are famous for not having the players names on their home jerseys.

Normally this is a sin associated with Yankee fans who feel the need to plant Derek F. Jeter’s name on the back of their jerseys where it is not supposed to exist. Don’t get me started on the ones who put RUTH back there.

But I expect that from Yankees fans. Red Sox Nation knows better, even teen-agers.

Before we call for a shunning of all Phillies fans, look at the guy on the left. Authentic alt retro jersey, properly lettered and numbered with the correct cap. You just know this guy keeps score and doesn’t yell "balk!" whenever the pitcher fakes the pick-off to third.

He should be allowed into the park. But no one else.