Sunday, September 08, 2013

Bad postcard of the week: Elmer, Elsie and bovine hell

I look at this postcard and weep for Elsie, Elmer and little Beauregard.

Ruthie is a familiar sight in Michigan. She’s a giant cow statue representing Country Fresh, and appears at fairs, races and other large gatherings.

We ran into Ruthie at last week’s Grand Crossings five-mile bridge walk here in Grand Rapids. And I decided that it’s better to be Ruthie than Elsie, Elmer and Beauregard, at least based on this week’s bad postcard.

In fact, I’m convinced that Elsie, Elmer and Beauregard reside in a corner of the world that can only be described a bovine hell.

Let’s read: Elsie, Elmer and Beauregard are traveling representatives of Borden’s Family of Fine Foods.

The back: Elsie and Family in Person: Elmer is at the left, Elsie is at the right, and young Beauregard is in is playpen. Elsie’s dressing table, made of barrels has milk bottle lamps and her toiletries include Tail Wave Set, Henna Fur Glaze and Meadow Mud Pack. Elmer’s chair is made of actual wheels with barrel staves for rockers. The sampler over the mantle, Elsie did when she was just a heifer. The candle sticks are half ears of corn and the bed ladders have scythe-handles for supports. Books in the breakfront include “The Farmer With Cold Hands,” “Animal Husbandry and Wifery” and “Bulliver’s Travels.” Elsie’s dressing table mirror is a large frying pan and the floor lamp is an old churn.

Let’s start with Beauregard’s playpen. Can he even turn around? Looks like that box is long on pen and short on room to play.

At least Ruthie gets out once in a while.

But it appears that Elsie and Elmer are trapped in pens of their own. Beauregard must be adopted. 

I’d love to see Elmer use that chair. And for his reading material, I ‘m not sure where a cold-handed farmer is touching a bull. I don't think he'd be too excited that we know about his animal husbandry manual.

Elsie might have a sampler and Meadow Mud Pack, but she also lacks opposable thumbs, casting suspicion on her ability to craft or apply beauty aids.

Look at Elsie’s telephone. It looks like it is high on the wall, way out of reach. We can only assume that it is placed there to prevent Elsie from making a desperate call for help. “We’re trapped in a place where the corporate overlord thinks we have semi-human needs and abilities.”

So, Borden. Set your bulls and cows free! Or at least let them share a pen!

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