Sunday, May 04, 2008

Bush, Bugs and other babes Clemens has NOT had affairs with.

Been a pretty crazy week, with the college class ending, softball starting and school board election controversies taking whatever time was left – and that made blogging difficult.

So I’ve been busy. But not as busy as Roger Clemens, it seems. The Daily News says Clemens has had, um, unauthorized relations with country singer Mindy McCready – starting when she was just 15, ick! – and then golfer John Daly’s ex-wife.

In the past, I have been rough on Clemens. I resented the whole trying to kill Mike Piazza thing. But friends, I now say, “Enough!” It’s just piling on at this point. In fact, it is time to say nice things about Roger Clemens.

So, in the spirit of a belated Deezo Friday Five, I present to you five women Roger Clemens has NOT had an affair with.

1) Barbara Bush. Clemens certainly had motive and opportunity. The Bushes are known Houston Astros fans and frequent guests at Minute Maid Park when he was pitching there. And she’s related to people who can issue presidential pardons. Rocket might be in the market for one of those before too long. But there have been no stories about Roger getting cozy with the first mother. Granted, the Secret Service might have had something to do with that. But we’ll give Roger the benefit of the doubt here.

2) Bugs Bunny when he’s dressed like a woman. Clemens isn’t the smartest guy around. A congressman asked him if he was a vegan, and Clemens didn’t know what the word meant. Look it up. OK, so he’s “The Rocket” and not “The Rocket Scientist.” But dense as he is, I think Clemens is smart enough to know that the bunny is really a guy rabbit in drag.

3) Hannah Montana. Well, the age is about right.

4) Emmy Lou Harris. Oh, sure. Roger tried. We know he likes country singers. He even gave her the World Series ring from 2000 that he didn’t deserve. But we have no proof of a liaison beyond this photo op. Maybe she wasn’t buff enough for Roger. Maybe Emmy Lou has standards.

5) University of Texas cheerleaders. It looks bad when you see a photo like this. But we know what really happened. UT Alumni Rocket introduced himself to these five lovelies, and they acted all happy see him, especially after they found out that he was older than 21. After the game, they walked Roger down to the 7-Eleven so he could run in to buy a couple cases of Busch Lite for the party with the Beta Sigs. Once they got to the party, the Lady Longhorns dispersed – with the beer – to go nuzzle up to some Biff, leaving Roger surrounded by a bunch of hero-worshipping pledges eager to hear him tell time and again how he struck out 20 Tigers in a game, as if that was hard to do.

So there you go, Roger. For one week, we had you back. Next week, things are back to normal.

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