Thursday, December 20, 2007

The worst Christmas song. Ever.

I’m a Christmas music fanatic, secretly starting to listen to holiday songs when new releases start appearing in October.

Not all mistle-tunes are created equal. Some songs are amazing, like "O Come All Ye Faithful" which shines when covered by artists ranging from Twisted Sister to Third Day.

But then there are others that are neat to listen to but don’t make sense when you really think about them.

Take "Little Drummer Boy," for example. I’m pretty sure that if I was a mother who had just given birth – in a stable, of all places, – and a little kid came up and started banging a drum, there would be some ba-rum-pa-pum-pumming on the kid’s noggin.

But once in a while I come across a song that is so dreadful that it can instantly curdle egg nog.

I don’t mean schlock like "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." I think Elmo and Patsy knew exactly what they were doing when they penned that song, and it’s not their fault that it’s been overplayed.

I mean the kind of stuff where someone sat down intending to create some holiday warm-and-fuzzy, completed the task and said, "Whoa, this is . . . awesome. I now know the true meaning of Christmas." But something went terribly, terribly wrong.

With that in mind, I now offer you The Worst Christmas Song Ever.

Years ago I stumbled across an album called "T.V. Family Christmas." It’s filled with, you guessed it, songs that were either included in very special Christmas episodes of sitcoms, or holiday albums that were rushed out to cash in on a show’s popularity. I suspect the Brady Bunch album was conceived, recorded and released during a lunch break.

And you’ve got some sad stuff, like Gene Autry’s "Nine Little Reindeer," an obvious sequel to his Rudolph hit that is as good as "Caddyshack 2" and about as welcome.

It’s schlock, and these guys knew they were creating schlock.

But buried in the schlock is "A Crosby Christmas," which is just shameful. It’s the "Billy Don’t be a Hero" or "Run, Joey, Run" of Christmas songs.

It’s a medley of mostly some bland or stupid stuff like "I’d Like to Hitch a Ride With Santa Claus" that seems to have been was pulled from an early Bing Crosby variety special.

It’s bad to begin with, but things go completely off the rails when some of the Crosby kids break out with something I think is called "The Snowman." Here are the lyrics:

On a Christmas Eve
A happy snowman
Stood and dreamed beside
A cottage door

How the children loved
Their friend the snowman
And the funny fedora
That he wore

When they said "Good night,"
They told the snowman
That a gift for him
Was on the tree

So he called himself
A lucky snowman
Just like one of the family
Was he

OK, this is pretty lame so far, but nothing too freaky. We’ve all made snowmen and added hats. Once I made a cool one with a Wiffle ball bat and Mets batting helmet. And for the sake of holiday cheer I’ll buy into the premise that this snowman can think and dream. The snowman might be somewhat delusional if he thinks he’s really part of the family, but then they did promise a gift and all.

But things are about to go horribly wrong. Back to the lyrics.

The cottage porch
Looked beautiful and bright
The holly wreath
Was hung up for the night

When all at once,
It caught on fire and fell
He couldn’t knock
He couldn’t ring the bell

He couldn’t run for help
He couldn’t call
But then he had
To save the children after all

He knew he’d melt away
But then the snowman
Threw himself across
The burning floor

Jingle my bells, what the heck was that?

First we have a Christmas wreath that is hung on the door "for the night" as if it hasn’t been hanging there since the week after Thanksgiving.

Then, this wreath spontaneously combusts? How? Why?

We established earlier that this snowman can some how think and reason. But he can’t speak?

And how come he can’t run for help or ring the bell, yet can somehow drag his icy butt up the stairs and hurl himself on the flaming wreath, regretting that he had but one life to give for his family?

It’s just not consistant. Either he’s a magical snowperson or he’s not.

And how are we supposed to feel happy about all of this? "The Gift of the Magi" story is all about sacrifice — and really isn’t one of my favorites — but this downer ditty takes it to a new level. It’s one thing to give up your hair or watch, but another to accept a firey death.

Back to the story:

How the children missed
Their friend the snowman
But they’ll always remember him for
A heart that was brave
And the joy that he gave
And the funny fedora he wore

And then Bing, looking to transition to the next part of the medely, says:

Ohhhh, great little guy, the happy snowman. I’ll never forget him.

"Great little guy, I’ll never forget him?" That’s what you say about a neighbor who helps you dig your car out of the snow bank. Bing, the snowman took an early exit — sacrificing both his life and the gift on the tree — to save you and your family. And that’s the best you’ve got?

And technically they still have the funny fedora, though soggy, to give to the next snowman — unless the kids are too tramautized to build another one.

Now, the really bad part is that someone stepped away from the piano and thought this was good -- and someone agreed. "Hey, this is great ! We'll put it in the show and have Bing's kids sing it!."

Hopefully, that person got coal. And a fedora and non-flammable wreath.


Anonymous said...

What do you expect from a guy who used to beat his kids to near death? I mean, don't get me wrong, Bing had a great voice, but something tells me angels are not within earshot if you get my drift. Probably, the only one more irritated then the evil one himself (no not Jeter - the devil) is Hitler because he can't understand a word and Bing just keeps signing along.....I'm dreaming of being a better person, so I don't have to live in hell...

Merry Christmas to all!!! And a special thanks to your family for making these last several difficult years better for me personally, not to mention the enjoyment I get from your Blog.

Sunshine Sis said...

Wow. Another disadvantage of living in Florida is that we have no snowmen willing to risk it all for the family. Closest we can come is a light up flamingo.

That being said, Grandma always said Bing was a bad, bad man, and she never said a harsh word about anyone.

As bad as this song is, I've got to add my choice of WCSE, and that would be "The Christmas Shoes". Lets review. Dying mother, poor family, boy begs for dancing shoes so dying mother can wear them when she dies.

Talk about the joy of the season, huh? Sadly, the people who think this song is so great made it into a movie! Why? Obviousally, because 2 minutes of tears an suffering is better spread out in a made for TV 2 hour holiday film.

Merry Christmas!

Mets Guy in Michigan said...

From Mrs. Met Guy:

Sunshine Sis: The worst part of the Christmas Shoes at the end, the narrator's conclusion is that "God brought this kid into my life so I could see that my petty problems are just petty and that I could learn the true meaning of Christmas."

Great. God offed some kid's mom so that YOU could learn something. In other words, it's still all about him he didn't learn anything!

Sunshine Sis said...

Amen sister. That's exactly what I'm saying. It has to beat some melted snowman as worst Christmas song ever.

I must say, regarding the "true meaning of Christmas", we must have seen 20 Christmas show with the girls, each one proclaiming "the true meaning of Christmas" and I think maybe two of the 20 were anywhere even close to the mark!


Mets Guy in Michigan said...

From Mrs. Mets Guy, again:

Mets Muffin and I watched two Scooby-Doo Christmas specials last night. Not only did Fred, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Scooby teach a guy in an evil headless snowman costume the "true meaning of Christmas," but they saved Christmas for little Tommy and his family.

Even Met Muffin laughed.

Anonymous said...

Grandma was a very wise/sharp person, couldn't pull a fast one on her, not even velvet voice Bing. He certainly was no Perry Como!!

P.S. you guys are scaring me with the
Scooby-Doo Christmas specials!!

P.S.S. I hate that shoes song, I almost pull a tendon trying to turn it off when it comes on the car radio. What is the big deal he laid out some cash on the shoes anyway, sounds like they were at a super market too (I think their car has no wheels but their house does) ;)

Mets Guy in Michigan said...


Merry Christmas to you! your lucky Jets shirt is headed back, but might not get there by the next game.

To be honest, despite all the Christmas songs I have, I have somehow managed to avoid hearing "Christmas Shoes." I know of it, and have seen the ads for the movie and all. But I have never heard the song even once as far as I can recall. I'm kind of happy about that!

mike said...

Merry Christmas Dave, TW, and all on this here blog.

While it was a rough year for me in sports I am blessed by being a part of a great family. Yes, that kind of includes you too TW :)

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and a great New Year.

Lets hope so for the Mets sake.

Dolhins in 2008!! Bring on the Tuna!!

Mike and the crew

PS Dave my vote for wost Christmas Song Ever: "Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC".

I have personnaly seen Christmas in Hollis and it is not too merry.

Sunshine Sis said...

Its Christmas time in Hollis, Queens
Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens...

Yea, I'd add that to the Top 10 Worst Christmas songs.

I think we need a list, Dave...

Mets Guy in Michigan said...

A list? We can do that.

But I like "Christmas in Hollis" .....

Merry Christmas to you, too, Mike. The Tuna seems to do well everywhere he goes. Just don't count on him long-term!

Bob said...

Dave, why can't you criticize this song without dissing the classic Run Joey Run?

. . . please don't, it wasn't his fault :)

Merry Christmas!

Anonymous said...

Every year, my mother calls me from America ( I am in the UK ) and sings this very song to me.

And let me tell you, my mother? Is the most amazing, beauty filled human I have ever met. But..

1. She can't sing
2. It is cruel

However.. I do laugh my ass off afterwards and it has become a family tradition.

Your parents, they F**k you up ;)