Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Yankees target vulnerable Mets fans

I’m in a fragile state right now, sportswise. I admit it.

I can’t enjoy the World Series without knowing that the Mets should be there, especially watching the likes of Kaz Matsui in those awful vests.

The Jets are terrible, even when they pretend to be the Titans.

The Islanders new sweaters are disastrous.

And I’m pretty certain the University of Missouri Tigers will wake up one morning and remember that they are, in fact, the University of Missouri Tigers and go back to being the doormats of the Big 12.

I’m doing everything I can to keep it together until pitchers and catchers report in February.

I think the Yankees know this.

There must be a Department of Taunting Mets Fans somewhere in the bowels of Yankee Stadium. Because one day I went out to my mailbox and came back with an envelope with what appeared to evil Yankee headgear in the corner.

Then I saw the big bold print, right above my name and address: “Dave, get inside the game with the New York Yankees NEW Extra Bases program!”

Flipping it over, again there was big, bold print: “Dave, Ultimate rewards for the New York Yankees fan!”

I thought it must be some sick and twisted joke. Then I opened it up and read further:

“Dear (Mets Guy), Imagine having a private tour of Monument Park at Yankee Stadium … or a dugout visit with one child (age 7 – 14) and four tickets to the game … or shagging fly balls during the 2008 State Farm Home Run Derby at MLB All-Star Week. You can do all this and more with your New York Yankees Extra Bases Platinum Plus MasterCard credit card.”

Private tour of Monument Park? I’d rather have a private tour of Rikers Island.

Bring kids into the Yankees’ dugout? Someone would slap the bracelets on me and I’d get that trip to Rikers because that’s just child abuse. “Look, kids! That’s Jason Giambi! Nooo, stop crying!”

Shagging flies at Yankee Stadium? I’d rather shag, well, you-know-what with the guy in the circus who walks behind the elephants with a shovel. It would certainly smell better.

There can only be so many reasons for this affront to humanity.

1) They’re so stupid that they actually think I’m a Yankees fan.

2) They’re so smug that they just assume everyone is a Yankees fan and send credit card applications these out to everyone.

3) They’re so cruel that they want to rub it in that our team faded somewhat down the stretch and that their team snuck into the playoffs.

4) Or, they sense that we’re vulnerable. Everyone knows we’re a hurtin’ bunch right now. They’re trying to lure us over to the dark side.

This is how it starts. Take the credit card. We’ll give you a mini-batting helmet allegedly signed by Don Mattingly.

Come sit in the dugout where Joe Torre used to sit until we dumped him because a dozen straight playoff appearances isn’t good enough. Yes, we disinfected it first.

Shag flies? Step into the infield on the spot where Roger made that little oops with the bat shard.
Next thing you know, you’re out there calling ARod ungrateful and declaring Derek F. Jeter to be the best player ever and saying stuff like, “Verducci is right. The Yanks should play all 162 games at home next season because, you know, it is the final year in the House that Ruth Built.

Well, not me, mister!

I’m a hurtin’ pup. But if I can survive the Midnight Massacre, Mettle the Mule, Vince Coleman and the uniforms with the tail under the team name, I can tough out a little late-season collapse.

I shredded that junk mail. Spring training can’t be all that far away. We must be strong.


Anonymous said...

I know it's tough. But believe it or not, the Yankee’s are reeling because Boston is in the World Series. The only team the Yankee’s hate more than the Mets are those damn Boston Red Sox. They can't stand them, even after all of Boston’s terrible years. So sit back my friend, pop the cap off of a cold one, and watch the Boston Red Sox win. I know it would have been a real series if the Mets didn't fold, but, believe you me my Michigan Mate of Yankee Mayhem, they are dying inside. Every Sox win peels away at their egocentric frail outer core and reveals what we know they know. That even with the biggest budget (more then the gross domestic product of Guam)...ok I’m guessing, but I bet it’s close, THEY ARE LOSERS!!! So raise a glass to “Big Poppy” and enjoy others misery (that’s how I usually get through the football season);).

G-Fafif said...

Look at the bright side of this recruitment drive: They're wasting loads of postage.

Bob said...

I can’t watch the World Series without knowing that the Mets should be there

Should, Dave? Hmmm . . . did the Mets win the NLCS? No. Did they win the LCDS? No. Did they even win their division? Nope. Where is the should?

Using that logic, the Phillies should have been in the '64 Series as well as this year. Heck, we would have played the BoSox better than the Rockies did last night.

Face it, the Mets were not good enough this year to make it to the Series.

Look on the bright side, neither were the Yankees and they spent a ton more money not to be.