Let's help the Yankees find some new songs

Not only do the Yankees and their apologists in the media think they are entitled to all the best players, now they are apparently claiming the best songs, too.

Withness this tantrum from WFAN's Mike Francesa after new Mets closer Billy Wagner dared to enter the game accompanied by Metallica's "Enter Sandman." Wagner's been using the song for years. But Mike, the radio version of Bob Klapisch and Tom Verducci, thinks it's off-limits because, gasp! Yankee closer/cyborg Mariano Rivera's been using it.

"I don't care if Billy Wagner did it in Houston and did it in Philly. Nobody knew he did it. The Mets announcers didn't know it. No one in the stadium knew this was his song. Nobody in America knew this was his song. I know he has a relationship with Metallica, but i don't care if he grew up and he was in the band. When you come to this town you cannot co-opt something, now that you're a Met sometimes you're gonna have to do a little changing, because you're coming to a town where a guy has turned that song into an event. Point is, at Yankee Stadium this is a huge deal, this is symbolic, it's known around baseball that this is a big deal. You can'tco-opt it. It's lame. Find something else."

I didn't hear this personally, but it was posted on my Mets listserv, and people there swear it's true. Apparently Mike was serious. Because you know, closer entrance songs are a big deal. Whatever.

Somebody go and get Mike a paper bag to breathe into. Meanwhile, I've taken the liberty of making sure this crisis doesn't happen again. I've found songs that assorted Yankee players can play when they take the mound or come to the plate.

“That Smell” by Lynyrd Skynyrd: Jason Giambi
Yup, that would be the smell of shame, a smell that Giambi knows well. This is a guy who came back from spring training a year ago and lost a bunch of weight, coincidently after he testified before a grand jury about steroid use. But Jason told us yoga – not a forced de-juicing – made him so slender.

“American Idiot” by Green Day: Gary Sheffield
Gary’s another guy linked to the steroid scandal. He said he took the stuff, but he thought he was taking flaxseed oil. Idiot.

“Money (That’s What I want)” by the Flying Lizards: Alex Rodriguez
Alex left a very solid Seattle Mariners team for the off-the-radar Texas Rangers for 225 million reasons. Then Alex had the stones to complain that the team lost early and often. Of course, the mid-market Rangers had to skim the waiver wire for players because they were playing one guy $25 million a year. Can you guess who that guy was? Alex showed his appreciation by demanding a trade.

“Dude (Looks Like A Lady)” by Aerosmith: Derek Jeter
I don’t think we need to explain this one too much.

“Money Changes Everything” by Cyndi Lauper: Johnny Damon
Here is another guy chasing the bucks. But unlike SlapRod, Damon sold his soul by going from the Red Sox, where he was adored by the Chowds, to the devil.

“Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” By Elton John: Bernie Williams
OK, I realize as far as Yankees go, Bernie’s a classy guy. But Bern, it’s over. You were overrated to begin with, and now you lost your job to a traitor.

“Hound Dog” By Elvis Presley: Jorge Posada
I realize Jorge can’t help the way he looks. But he might be the ugliest player in baseball in the post-Willie McGee era. Dude is homely, and breaking his beak at the end of spring training isn’t going to help. Good thing he wears a mask on the field.

“Fool on the Hill” by the Beatles: Randy Johnson
The Unit used to be cool. Now he’s a he’s a photographer-bashing jerk. Kenny Rogers roughed up a shooter and was suspended and booed at the All-Star Game just for showing up. Unit did pretty much the same thing on his way to a physical and all we got is a lame forced apology? Fool. Sorry Kenny, the rules are different for Yankees.

“What Have I Done to Deserve This?” by the Pet Shop Boys: Carl Pavano
Pavano had a career year, got lured to the Skanks and promptly blew out his arm. It’s karma, Carl. You should have stayed with the Fish. Well, they would have traded you last season anyway, but at least you’d still have your pride.

OK now, Mets. Don't take these songs! We don't want Mike and the Mad Dog to get all worked up.

The best part of his little tantrum was the notion that America didn't know that Wagner used the song, but of course all the nation knows that Rivera used it because, well, he's a Yankee and everybody follows them. Typical arrogance.

The best part was that this tirade came after the Skanks beat the daylights out of Oakland in the first game of the season. You'd think the Yankee apologists would be enjoying the moment. Instead, they're getting all hot and bothered about what's playing on the Shea PA system.

Guess we're winning.