Friday, January 30, 2009

Jeter should trade pinstripes for orange jumpsuit

Well, add “thieving weasel” to our list of gripes about Derek F. Jeter.

Yankee misdeeds are both expected and enjoyed, at least in the dark, dark weeks before pitchers and catchers report. Hence, the lead spot in the Deezo Friday Five.

1) The New York Times reported that after the last game at dumpy Yankee Stadium, “Cap’n Crook” made off with a piece of valuable memorabilia, a sign in the tunnel leading to the dugout with a Joe DiMaggio quote reading “I want to thank the Good Lord for making me a Yankee.”

DiMaggio obviously had some issues, but I digress.

Apparently the sign was a big deal, and Yankee players used to lick it or touch it or something on their way to the field.

One can imagine the number of appropriate places for the sign once the Yanks move into their new ballpark, which looks like the Death Star.

Maybe it could be installed in the new place, a link between the Yankees of tomorrow and the Yankees of the past that the team tells us about over and over.

Maybe it could go to the Hall of Fame so it could go on display and misguided Yankee fans from all over could see the artifact.

Maybe it could be auctioned off with other stadium items and raise thousands of dollars for a charity.

But, no. Showing that classic Yankee entitlement, Jeter apparently unscrewed the sign and tossed it in his trunk to later hang in his Jeter lair. Or, more likely, he instructed some clubhouse flunky to do his dirty work.

Jeter has no shame. But will he be condemned for this? Of course not. But if a Mets player had pilfered something from beautiful Shea, you know Bob Klapisch would be all over him.

2) Speaking of Yankee shame, the sports world is all a-titter about Joe Torre’s book where he allegedly spills the beans about Yankee misdeeds.

Oh please.

The book was co-written by Tom Verducci, a well-known lover of all things Yankee. Verducci has yet to write anything negative about a Yankee in his entire career, so why would he start now.

Which is not to say there might not be some swipes at Alex Rodriguez, some of which have been breathlessly reported.

ARod is fair game because he’s not a “True Yankee,” like DFJ, Mariano Rivera and Jorge Posada.
Alex is certainly a bit of a whiner, post-season choke-artist and Madonna-dater, but he does tend to hit a lot of home runs.

Nevertheless, Verducci will happily roll ARod under the bus and get all weepy writing about Jason Giambi and Robinson Cano.

3) Enough Yankees. A guy named Mike at a site called Planet of the Geeks customizes Legos.

While the company is busy producing toys of Batman, Indiana Jones and Spider-Man, it has neglected a true American hero, and that would be David Wright.

So Mike stepped up and produced his own D-Wright, which is just a thing of beauty. And while he was at it, he designed a Carlos Delgado, too.

Clearly, this Mike is a man of taste and talent. And if he wanted to make a little Lego Tom Seaver and send it to me, that would be really cool.

4) I see it’s Super Bowl Sunday.

Unless the Jets are involved, my interest drops dramatically.

It’s not like I’d be able to watch the game anyway, because my house’s television is instead tuned into the Animal Planet for its counter-programming — the Puppy Bowl.

In case you’ve somehow missed this, the Puppy Bowl features small dogs running around a small football field playing, bouncing, eating and pretty much doing what small dogs do.

And when small dogs make a mess on the field, a referee — whom we think is a station intern — comes in, declares a “puppy penalty” and cleans up the mess.

As with the real game, the half-time show is usually more exciting. That would be the Bissell Kitty Half-Time Show featuring small cats playing, bouncing, and doing what small cats do, but with a grand finale with revolving platforms and confetti.
ùù And, as if things couldn’t get better, this year’s show also features the national anthem performed by Pepper the Parrot.

"Nebraska" or "New York Groove?"

5) Apparently Bruce Springsteen is performing during the Super Bowl’s half-time show. Yawn.

Super Bowl half-times peaked in 1999 when Kiss took the stage in Miami for XXXIII to sing “Rock and Roll All Night” and used an entire show’s worth of full pyrotechnic and hydraulic glory in just one song.

That no doubt provided more excitement than all other Super Bowl games themselves, except for Super Bowl III, when Joe Willie and the Jets smacked down the Colts.

A geezer from Jersey or icons from New York? That’s a no-brainier. Bruce isn’t even going to blow up anything.


Confluence City said...

Bruce also wants to have his exclusive Wal-Mart distribution deal for his latest Greatest Hits and eat it too. "My bad," he says to his union fans, or his fans who romanticize unions. I'll take upfront hypocrisy over apologies that dont change anything.

Anonymous said...

I think we've got to throw some slack towards Bruce. He gives a great concert, has great lyrics, the dude is in his late 50's and is definitely more flexible than I am. OK, I agree his signing isn't perfect, but have you seen who they will let sing on RC? I'm still getting late night sweats from "bad to the bone"...I will never be able to listen to that song again, in the same way. Thanks Steve!!!:)

Anonymous said...

sorry I meant singing

Mets Guy in Michigan said...

OK, first, I have to give Bruce some props. He actually DID blow stuff up, which is proof that he reads the Mets Guy! And he did carry a tune better than some folks who grabbed at mic on the high seas!